Getting to the Big Time

Some random recent sketches:






I don't think these are great or anything. But I am better than I was a few months ago. I am probably close to being as good as I was in highschool. But now I am more serious about it and plan to get a lot better.
I am mastering my art work. I plan to do somthing with it. I want to be bigger than George Lucas. I want to orcestrate huge productions on an epic scale, creating new worlds that will shape humanity's perception of reality.

That's why all my life I have been studying Art, writing, science fiction, religion, philosophy and the occult.

So to get there I am accomplishing incremental goals. The next one is to illustrate the covers of Science fiction books. Basically establish myself as a Fantasy illustrator. When I get bored with that, I write. I am talented in both areas. One way to put it all together is through publisjing a Graphic novel.

This are all goals of mine. I am working on all of these things simultaneously. I feel like my odds of getting published are greater that way. You know, if I am simulataneously writing and doing art work and submitting things.

But ultimately, I want to combine all of my talents into one. Like for example, the kind of thing I am after, is... imagine Philip K. Dick being morphed together with R.Crumb and Frank Frazzetta, and creating graphic novels that were made into block buster movies. Well, now that I think of it, Philip K Dick did have his stories made into block Buster movies...

So, anyway, that is the scale I am thinking on. I am throwing everything I have got.

Its becoming more and more clear to me, that I needed to delete my blog. I am reinventing myself and "Free Range Organic Human" was an old garment that no longer fit and had energy associated with it, I am trying to move past.

That is the energy of being a recluse and interacting with the world on the basis of ranting about how bad and evil it is and hoping I will wake up someday and it will all be a heap of smoking rubble.

Not a good long term plan for success.

I want to be a success. I am selfish. I want to make some money doing things I enjoy. I want to be famous. I have an ego. Luckily I also have some talents that I can develop and capitalize on.

But really, I was just as selfish before when I was wringing my hands lamenting the destruction of the old growth forest and oppression in the third world, etc.

Its a passive aggressive mindset, I was in.

I am not passing judgement on anyone else, especially not people actually doing things like growing their own food, etc.

But studying why the world sucks so bad, and commenting on it on a daily basis, is not where I want to be.

And when it comes right down to it, I want to make money and be successful, but I will still do what I can to help the environment.

At the Threshold of the Darkside/Cost of Love

I’ve been reading a series of articles on polarization, becoming a “darkworker” vs. “Lightworker” on Steve Pavlina’a site. He’s a self help author that has a website of free content that gets a lot of hits and enables him to make over $300,000.00 a year from the adspace. Pretty sweet set up.

So anyway, I have been struggling with this issue. Recently I began to suspect that there may be some ultimate choice in life between seeking power and expressing love. If it came down to that choice which one would it be? Steve’s point is that these two energies are opposite and cancel each other out, so the way to really accomplish things in the world is to “Polarize” and ultimately choose one or the other. Balance in this case would be bad because its like balancing a negative number with a positive number and getting a zero. Like adding +10 and -10. That gives you zero. If you are say -4 and +6 (unpolarized) you achieve a 2 after giving a 10 worth of effort.

Most people are unpolarized and that is why most people accomplish comparatively little in life.

So, I’ve been struggling with this. I have been drawn to exploring the dark side recently, researching Satanism and Magick and demonology.

I had this vision a few months ago during a shamanic journey, where I became a big powerful dragon. It felt really great to be a dragon. I think it felt so great because I didn’t feel any fear. I am realizing that I have a lot more fear than I thought always there in the background. It felt really great to be powerful. It was an intoxicating feeling.

The next day after the experience, I researched dragons, and their symbolic meaning and I got scared. I didn’t know how to interpret my experience. I wondered if maybe it was an experience similar to Jesus being tempted by Satan in the Wilderness, like when Satan offered him all the kingdom’s in the World in exchange for Jesus bowing down to worship him. So then I felt kind of scared, and decided to try to be really loving instead and try to get closer to God.

That made me feel weak. It made me feel weak and soft and less aware. The thing is I haven’t been close to God for some time, but at one time I did feel really close to God. I think at one time I really was operating on the basis of Love quite a bit. But then somehow I ended up trapped in a marriage of emotional suffering and seemingly irreconcilable problems with no way out except divorce. Its hard to express because people get divorced all the time, its like its no big deal. But it was a really big deal to my wife and I. What the situation looks like to me is that it was God’s plan for me to be kind of like Job or Jesus and perfect my love through a lot of suffering. I went through nine years of suffering and there appeard to be no end in site. I was excluded from the ministry and felt like I was excluded from doing anything with my life except for working on my marriage and it seemed that nothing made it any better. It seemed like intense emotional suffering was part of the design. Like the continual “Thorn in the side” The Apostle Paul spoke of in the New Testament.

So I finally escaped out of the situation. There is all this stuff in the Bible about trials and How God’s love is perfected through suffering and God’s strength is made perfect in weakness, etc. I guess if you really want to have a deep relationship with God, which was what I wanted, God will “Bless” you with a lot of suffering. So my impression is that God wanted to make of me a “living sacrifice” and I crawled down from the cross, before I completed the mission. I failed.

I really don’t like being in that position. I don’t like feeling weak. I don’t want to be “broken” I don’t like suffering.

At some point after agonizingly praying over and over again about the same thing for several years with no results, I finally vowed never to pray again. I have kept my vow, pretty much. I have never prayed since then due to me feeling weak or scared or wanting something from God. I have prayed half heartedly, over my food, out of habit, or in a half hearted attempt to get closer to God again. But it rang false. There was a hollow sound.

I used to be in constant prayer and communion with God as a Christian. I talked to God all the time. Now I don’t pray at all, ever. I used to look at situations and wonder what God would have me to do, I never think like that now.

I just hate this picture of agonizingly praying for like 20 years and finally having a prayer answered. Then by having so much time go by, it makes it more powerful. That’s great to read about and admire in other people. In practice I hate it. I came to really really deeply resent it.

I wanted to serve God in the ministry, and all that got stripped away. I had this one ministry and that was to continue to love my wife through all here seemingly irreconcilable emotional problems and suffer.

I opted out.

So where does that leave me? I don’t want to feel weak and powerless, I don’t want to ask God for things. I don’t want to be gratful for what he gives me. I don’t want anything from God. I want to serve myself, I want to take full personal responsibility.

I was an pretty conservative Evengelical Christian, a lot of people in my family didn’t like my wife, and many people would say Evengelical Christianity is like being in a cult anyway and I am better off leaving it. Plus there are lots of aspects of myself that I kind of gave up in order to follow that spiritual path. So some think this is a good thing. I kind of did in a way.

One aspect of this is that my wife is totally not accepting of the break up at all, and pines away for me. She believes I am the only person that ever loved her and that she screwed it up.

So even if I got away, that kind of eats at me. She won’t give it any closure on her end.

But really though, where this leaves me is without a relationship with God. Because even though, I have done a lot of questioning of myself, and have wrestled with this and thought maybe I was deceived by dark entities, or mistalen about things. I think its at least equally likely, probably more, that this was the Real God and I had a real relationship with God and that God was trying to perfect me and I failed and ran away.

I don’t want to go back. I don’t ever want to feel waek and helpless and trapped like that ever again. I don’t ever want to come crawling back to God and submit to that type of thing ever again.

So I feel I am faced with choosing a dark path in order to develop spiritually. A lot about it appeals to me, but I am also, I think a naturally loving and caring person. That may be the whole purpose behind how God was working in my life. Because it was not hard for me to be loving and caring. He was trying to get me to the point of being loving and caring when it feels horrible and seems to result in no benefit to me in anyway.

alpha male cichlid

Robert Anton Wilson and Tim Boucher

Well, I've been reading "Prometheus Rising" By Robert Anton Wilson and today I read Tim Boucher's latest post:

Library of gam frequency ui aesthetic

I felt like I have become a reactionary. This book and this post really gave me reason to hope. Wilson, goes through the structure of the brain and the mind and what various enlightened individuals were going through psysiologically when they achieved states of enlightenment. He gives tips on re-wiring your psyche.

There is a passage about where wealth comes from, how wealth seems to continually move westward: Sumer-Egypt-Rome-Germany-Great Britian-NY-Silicon Valley

Wealth comes from people using their neurons more intelligently and coherently.

Well anyway, I don't have all this stuff figured out, but the idea I get is that life is still evolving and that wonderful things are happening! It can happen in my life too. Its happening all over the place.

So, I feel like I can relate to what Tim has been writing about in his dadaist esoteric way.

Its kind of cool! Makes me what to leap into that territory he is navigating also.

Amazing dramas are unfolding.

Its funny, I heard about Robert Anton Wilson from Green Anarchists. Have they read him?

Not to pick on them, because I was really into it too. I'll pick on myself.

As a Green Anarchist, I was reactionary, ant-evolutionary. My worldview was doom and gloom. I mean partly I was into exploring nature, so that part is cool, but waiting around for the world to end...that's so gloomy.

There is a big bright beautiful world out there. Things are happening! I want to be part of it!

Some one who said it better...

Here is an example of some good writing saying what I want to say, but saying it better:

The Villians Quest

He touches on a lot of issues I am going through also. He's also a guy how was into anarcho -primitivism and became disillusioned with it.

Let me come clean with a few things:

I work for a charity helping brain injured and developmentally disabled people. I like my job. Small children, animals and developmentally disabled people generally like me and I like them. I am in many ways like a big kid. I am a sensitive person. For a long time I was a born again Christian and did various types of ministry, helping people. I really feel I made a genuine connection and really helped people, and really didn't condescend to people. As a kid I raised an orphaned bunny and released it into the wild. I often cried when people would kill bugs.

I guess you will just have to take my word for it. So that's one side of me.

I feel like I have occupied that space and I feel like in many ways its kind of a dead end. Its not the whole picture for me. If your lifelong quest is to go from being a mean asshole, to being a really loving helper type person. I guess that would be a really satisfying achievement. It would seem fulfilling.

But really, I didn't start out as a mean asshole. I mean I didn't start out perfect. But loving people and helping them and operating through my heart, was not somthing that has come really hard for me. I pretty much started out like this.

In evangelical Christianity, the idea is that you are a dirty rotten hellbound sinner, an then you get saved and become like Jesus and love and serve others. So I had to convince myself this was true in order to be saved. It wasn't too much of a stretch, because I did have a dark side even as a kid, but really, I was a nice kid.

I was a little too sensitive, and got bullied, and this kind of fed my dark side, so when I became saved, I kind of burried this dark part of me. I think it had a positive effect on me but just put off me having to fully integrate myself for later.

I ended up getting married to a person with a lot of emotional issues. Not that I don't have issues or that all people don't have issues. The chalenge was to love a person that is hard to love, a lot of the time. A lifelong challenge. Love someone, that you committed to loving for life, even if it takes the life out of you and drains all your energy and appears to ruin your life.

After nine years, I said fuck it. I am not going to do it. Its a trap. Its a dead end. I am going to be selfish. I am going to escape. If I have to chew my own foot off, I am going to get out of this trap. Its not worth it to me. I had this idea that I was getting close to Jesus, through constntly suffering through this. Then I said. "Fuck Jesus." O.K.?

So I am on a different path now. But still though, I am on a spiritual Quest.

Idea behind this blog

The idea is to explore, the "Perenial Philosophy" "The Traditionalist School" etc.
I am also interested in Satanism and basically "the dark side" whatever that is.

The idea of monarchy is related to traditionalism and the perenial philosophy. Its a philosophy that rejects modernism and the idea of progress. There is simply truth that is the same age after age. Its timeless. There is a natural hierarchy associated with this. Its connects all world religions and all civilizations. For Example in India, the Brahmin caste that created Hinduism is in essence connected to Mideval Fedualism and Christianity, Islam etc.

Also there is a connection to this and hermeticism, which I would like to study, in depth, also.

I might eventually reject this stuff too. I have been reading "Prometheus Rising" by Robert Anton Wilson. Also, "The Dragon Legacy" by Nicholas De Vere. De Vere is more connected to what I am studdying though. I just was looking all over for RAW books and I finally found one. So I bought it and am reading it.

Lots of Green anarchists in my little blogging circle I was in, were into him, and never seemed to say exactly why as far as I could discern. They would just say how wonderful he was and then quote some short passage like it spoke for itself and not really give much commentary on it or analysis.

But anyway, I like the book so far. If the guy is a genius, I will like him even if I disagree with a lot of what he has to say.

I might go around and try to reconnect with some of the people that used to read my blog and whose blogs I would read. But reading Green Anarchist blogs, right now just seems like, just a habit, I have gotten into and that it doesn't really hold a lot of interest for me. Kind of like I once got into John Grisham books, I only liked one book, I started to suspect that his books suck, but out of habit I kept reading them. Not that all these bloggers suck. Its just that I am not really all that interested in what they have to say any more.

On online sense of community is nice though. However artifial and electronically mediated it is, there was a human connection there, Its nice to have online friends. As people, they are all interesting.

But here is the thing:

Green anarchy is so liberal. There is such a liberal element in it. It can't shake its left wing, egalitarian, democratic roots. And the fact is, most people are morons. Most people don't give a shit about the environment. They do whatever advertisers of multinational corporations program them to do. They watch American Idol, eat shitty food and buy plastic crap. That's just the way it is.

If you want to change to world you have to impose your will on other people. The thing is, most people won't mind. Most people don't mind being manipulated by the current powers that be.

So really this whole thing of identifying with the masses and trying to get them to rise up and fix the environment, is at cross purposes. The masses don't want to live in harmony with the earth. They want to live in a saftey cocoon. No one that accomplishes anything really needs their help.

I mean the current system derives all its power by milking all these mindless consumers. So they need them in that sense. But its not like there is this massive amount of power there in the masses. The power is analagous to a herd of cows.

So I say Fuck 'em. Fuck the masses. No matter what happens they will get in line. What elese are they going to do?

If you want to change the world, the best way is to start some occultic cabal, and gain power through magical and esoteric means. That's the way its always done.

These are the people the conspiracy writers focus on. The conspiracy writers kind of have the herd mentality too though. They are like herd animals fixating on the predators stalking the herd. One error they have is that being herd animals, all predators look alike to them and there is a tendency to lump them all together.

Its like the lions, and the cheetahs, and the hyenas and the leopards and the crocodiles are all conspiring together. But really they aren't. In fact, they all hate each other.

These conspiracy writers like to use a tool of analysis like "Who benefits?" So often they conclude that people analgous to vultures are in on the conspiracy too. These vultures are really getting fat. I think they planned all this.

Really though we are omniverous primates. So we are flexible. We can fall into a predator or a prey mindset easily. So that's why I am not a vegan.

But I am not perfect, I am screwed up and weak. I fall into the herd mindset. I am not saying I hate all people or want to be a predator because I see predator prey as the only two choices. I am just trying to figure all out.


I am looking at the predators, seeing the predator within myself, the herd animal with in myself and trying to just figure out what it all means. I just am not doing it from a position of "The herd can do no wrong, they are the noble victims, and all the predators are pure evil and must be stopped."

Because in the end I am thinking the goal is to transcend all this stuff, somehow anyway. Maybe there are lots of ways to get there. I have a sense these predators have their own track to transcendence going on.

The Glorius Werewolf

Here is a rough draft of a short story I plan to enter in a short story writing contest. This describes what I really think it would be like to be wolf. Its a look at animism from a perspective that is not bunny hugging vegan pacifist. I really think wolves kill out of sensual joy. Its somthing I think a lot of people can't/don't want to really understand. Maybe its too dark. dunno. Well here it is.

The Glorious Werewolf

I have a secret. Its hidden there in the deep pools in the black of my eyes. Its deep, but its in plain view, there to bee seen by those who know.

The weeks go by, a month, and I have to get away.

On the night of the full moon, I go out into the woods and strip off my clothes. My leather shoes, my Italian suit. My watch my cell phone. I am free. The air feels marvelous on my naked skin. Cool mud squishes between my toes. That one last piece, though, my boxers, sets me free. I am a naked wild animal. No barriers between me and the magic of the forest.

The smells, the forest sounds, they call to me. I slip into the night. Very often I cry. Its just so beautiful, the darkness is my long lost friend. I can hear my breath, there are no words, no thoughts just the sensual wild. I crouch, low to the ground. My fingers and toes they hug the landscape perfectly. With grace and poise I stalk through the trees.

My sense of smell is awakened. Oh, the rich textures! The glorious auras of life. They waft up like mushroom clouds from the rich earth. I am overcome with synesthesia. The heart beat of the living breathing earth, pulsates up through my toes, I feel it harmonizing with mine. There are myriads of creatures below my, myriads above, roots and veins coursing every which way crossing my meandering path. A raccoon, happened by here. This way a mouse. The corpse of a possum lies dead beneath that log, reverting to the soil.

I sense the essence of a deer. I smell its soul. I can smell the tawny ness of its fur, its big liquid eyes, its delicate steps. I feel the high hum of its nerves. Its delicious to drink! I must have more! It’s a pure golden essence, fleet and flighty. Such beautiful fear! I want to drink deeply of that fear, drink it deeply inside of me.

My limbs have formed to fit my path, now. No more clumsy human hands and feet, no more white naked skin. I am all long lean wolf limbs and luxurious pelt crackling with electricity. My long back coils and uncoils like a spring. My cool black nose is to the cool black earth, sucking great gusts of essences deep into my lungs.

I wind back and forth like a sound wave, sifting through essences in search of that one golden flavor. It gets stronger and stronger as I find the clear signal of the trail. I am intoxicated with the deer! The air is warm with is musk, I am running now, there it is within sight!

My footsteps match its footsteps, my wolf tracks imprint over the marks left by its delicate hooves. Coiling and springing like a whip, I eat up the ground, leaping over logs and shrubs, following the white flag.

But is not the white flag, that captures me, it’s the smell of its rapidly beating, innocent heart, and the clear beautiful hum of its tightly wound nerves. I thirst for them.

We are engaged, my muscles are burning from pursuit. I kiss its flank with my fangs, tasting its electricity. I duck my head dodging a powerful kick from its sharp hooves. It whirls around to face me. We pause tensely and stare into each others eyes. There she stands, head proudly erect, eyes shining, ears forward, her beautiful naked throat, soft and white.

We whirl and dance and dance again, embracing and releasing. I drink of her and she paints my lips red with her blood. I am bathed in her warm golden light. I feel her heart beating rapidly, more rapidly until it breaks and the light goes out in her liquid brown eyes.

She has satisfied my hunger and now I feast upon her and consume her flesh. My heart beats slower and slower. I can feel the burning acid in my muscles. I am tired and stiff, though surrounded by bounty.

The life is gone from the deer and has become my own. I crouch by the light of the moon gorging on the hot flesh and stagger drunkenly to a stream to slake my thirst. The water is cool on my tongue.

I curl up by the roots of an ancient oak and clean up all evidence of my bloody feast until my fur shines luxuriantly once again. The night sounds lull me to sleep.

When I awaken I am once again a man. I feel cold. My senses dull again as I get up and wander back on tender feet, to find where I stashed my clothes. Everything is farther away, less tangible, dimmer, so I retreat into the world of words and symbols. A great cloud of words forms around my head as I walk unsteadily down the path

The rich smells are gone, the essences. I put on my clothes, layering myself with civilization to return to the land of the dead, the land of grids and pavement, and toil and responsibility.

Yet, somehow, I feel recharged and refreshed. I know I can make it another month. I have lived.